We have all, without exception, experienced a challenging and difficult year. I too have had quite the experience that I can say has broken me in a way I never could have foreseen.
People like me who have witnessed war and hardship think they have seen it all, we pride ourselves in thinking we are ready for anything. Priding ourselves in our “resilience” and “strength” as if they are superpowers that can get us out of anything. In any situation, we know where to find the exit, we know how to fight for survival and find safety. However, what about when the whole world shuts down and there is no safety to turn to? The dystopian world we see in fiction has become a reality that none of us could have foreseen and there is no exit button.
One of my coping mechanisms has always been to stay in control, and in the beginning of 2020, before we knew there was a pandemic coming our way, I was deep in my elbows planning trying to shape an outcome I wanted. In the midst of that plan, I kept a Plan B, because I pride myself in always being ready, but never thinking I would have to use it. Again, I was in control. Needless to say, all my plans failed.
Fast forward to the end of the year, I now know that I have never been in control and can never be in control. I know that now. The wisdom that 2020 has brought me is to be in control is to let go – as counter-intuitive as that might sound. It is also one of the only ways to be free: to let go and have faith that things will work out in the end. Unwavering faith.
FAITH. The number one thing I am grateful for is having discovered again what faith means to me and how to practice it. This year has taught me that trusting in God is an unwavering act full of conviction. There is no doubt and no second thought accompanied by it. I have learnt that my circles of concern must revolve around God being in the center and moving then on out to myself and then my family and then everything else. I have learnt that when you ask of God do not put limitations on what you ask Him of, for He is capable of everything; be generous in your asking. I have learnt that my spirituality is central to my wholeheartedness, that my spiritual and conscious awareness are intrinsically tied to my critical awareness. I have learnt that as long as my faith and the practice of my faith come first, everything else falls into place. How could it not, when the Most Merciful, God, is taking care of me?
I have learnt that my spirituality is central to my wholeheartedness, that my spiritual and conscious awareness are intrinsically tied to my critical awareness.
It is very difficult to unpack such a deep wake-up call and spiritual experience in words. I am sometimes annoyed that this is not something I could have read in a book and saved myself so much struggling – but now as I try to put it into words I can merely write guideposts but not actually explain the experience of it all. Although I can say, it starts with having unwavering belief in God’s plan, letting go and practicing a deep sense of gratitude. Being intentional in practicing completely shifts the universe.
I have learnt that sitting still with yourself is one of the greatest powers one can possess. To be calm, to be able to listen to yourself, to be able to engage in a deep discussion with yourself and to be able to self-soothe. This year has challenged my ability to sit still, being restless most of the time, frustrated and sometime just being incapable of accepting the world, as we now know it. I am getting a little better at sitting with discomfort, with fear and embracing it through my unwavering faith in God’s plan.
This year has taught me that life is so fragile but there is a tenderness we can bring to the fragility with our love. Our ability to hold space for one another, live with empathy and compassion and be intentional with how we interact. We have the power to shape our world merely by the way in which we treat one another which sets the energy and tone for how we lead our lives.
This year has reminded me again we cannot run away from our fears or problems. That the best way to deal with them is to be honest and address them head on. They eventually do catch-up with us, so it is better to deal with it on our own terms that to let other events dictate on our behalf.
This year has reminded me of who I am. I am not many things, but who I am is kind, caring, compassionate, calm, loving and wholehearted. My actions define me and I get to show who I am everyday with every small thing I do. It is one of the greatest blessings and I have made it my intention every day to find opportunities to practice what makes me uniquely who I am. Redefining myself has given me the freedom to be more authentic and less fearful, I no longer feel trapped in expectations of who I should be or in titles or achievements. I feel liberated.
I have come to realize that we cannot ignore the little joys in life. Reading books, infusing essential oils, writing in a new notebook, long walks, baking bread and cookies, making coffee and the other little things in life cannot be ignored. We cannot be too busy to live without them and we cannot ignore the joy they bring us. Paying attention to the details that bring magic to our everyday mundaneness.
Taking the time to make eye contact, to smile, to engage meaningfully and to create within our homes spaces that are fully of joy, creativity and magic is like watching a desert turn into a rain forest. It’s something I never thought possible until months of lockdown in a city where I knew nobody (except my husband and two children) taught me. My children more than anything have reminded me the joys of imagination and creativity, through their sparkling eyes there is magic in everything.
It’s been a tough year, and sometimes – actually a lot of the time – I find myself desperately asking why? Then I remember that God does not bear on us more than we can handle. That this is all happening to prepare me for something else. That what I am experiencing now is truly the best there is, for He is the best of planners. This year has humbled me, it has made me understand how small I am in the greater scheme of things and that the most important role I have is within my loved ones and the happiness we bring to one another. There have been moments where I felt like everything could be lost in a fleeting moment, that life is too scary and that I could not take any more pain – I remind myself that we are but visitors in this world and I let go of whatever expectations I am gripping on.
For the past few years, I have had many nagging questions in my head that I could not find the answer. Many times, I would look at myself closely and wonder why I could not get it together in the way I truly wanted. I tried so hard but I could not find the peace and calm I was reminiscing from a time before. As soon as I stopped chasing it, as soon as I looked inwards, as soon as I focused on my faith I found calm and peace I was so desperately looking for. I do not want to ever leave this place in my head; I want to dive deeper into it and master it. I know it will take a lot of work, but I am firmly dedicated to it.
As soon as I stopped chasing it, as soon as I looked inwards, as soon as I focused on my faith I found calm and peace I was so desperately looking for.
There are many things we hear and they either just go right over our heads or we have no idea what meaning they are supposed to hold. I feel that way with so many of the things this year has showed me. Things that before I would have never been ready to hear or I could not possibly comprehend without experiencing it.
In addition to the pandemic, this year I also went through a life-altering experience. I knew as it was happening that life would never be the same after it and I was waiting for the magical wave of the wand to shift it all. It did not happen, at least not immediately. See, what that experience gave me was an opening, a sliding door opportunity to change. I took it and slowly started a high climb up to get where I want to be as a person in this world and I am still on this journey. What I want to say is keep your eyes open for the sliding door moments because life is full of them big and small, it is how we engage with them that shapes our future. There is no big moment, there are fleeting moments that add up to big change.
There is no big moment, there are fleeting moments that add up to big change.
2020 has been one hell of a year, I am exhausted and tired but I have not felt more like myself in a long time. I feel very vulnerable but I am walking right to the vulnerability and trying my best to embrace it. I am trying my best to recognize when my pain body is taking over and countering it by being consciously present at all times. It is a journey and I am still on it, but I am just so grateful that I at least found the beginning of the path.
I hope I live up to the opportunities I have been granted. I wrote this to come back to for myself, but also because I wish I knew it before so perhaps it will inspire someone else.
“So, surely with hardship comes ease.
Surely with ˹that˺ hardship comes ˹more˺ ease.”
(Quran 94:5-6)
Khadija Ali ••• خديجة علي 